For sports lovers nationwide, one of the most exciting events of the year is finally upon us. Super Bowl 50 will happen on Sunday, February 7th, and like most sporting events on a grander scale it’s the time to cook every party food known to man and indulge. And that’s awesome: we love food. We love overeating it, especially when it’s deep-fried and comes with an array of sauces. We also love the indigestion the following day, hanging out at the gym and guzzling water like our lives depended on it (your life does depend on water, actually). But Bearded Americans (and overseas friends), you have a responsibility on your face and those with whom it comes into contact. This is a moment for us all: Broncos fans, Panthers fans, hot wings fans.
We’re all in this together, but you have to be aware of what you’re consuming. Now this may be your first year celebrating sports with a beard. Be careful. Food is messy, and certain foods are the worst. So we’ve made a list of all the possible Super Bowl party food items that can get trapped in your beard. Chances are you’ll be eating them anyway, but don’t say we didn’t warn you. Go forth with caution and confidence.
Sorry to make the most delicious of all wings come first on this list, but it’s with good reason. When you eat wings, they are messy. You eat them with your whole face, get them on your fingers and practically eat your fingers to get the sauce off, because napkins are for underachievers. Buffalo wings also have a spice index unlike any other: the more they make you cry, the better. And come Super Bowl season, there is always that guy who loves a good bucket of atomic wings to bring tears to his eyes even before his favorite team loses. Here’s the real kicker: the hot sauce in buffalo wings contains capsaicin, the part of the chili pepper that makes it hot.
Capsaicin lives on your beard forever (until you wash it off). So if you hug your broseph hard or kiss your significant other after a round of wings, you might give them third degree burns. Understand that your face post buffalo wings is a liability until you shampoo it again.
Again, this isn’t to hurt your feelings. But seriously, have you ever actually smelled nacho cheese? It smells pretty awful, admit it. The taste is amazing, but the smell? Not so much. And like most decent people, when you’re eating nachos you hold that tortilla chip ever so gently at one specific point and submerge it completely into the nacho cheese sauce and proudly shove it in your mouth.
Cool story, but you have a beard, and more than likely some of that cheese sauce will attach itself to your face harder than the winning team to their trophy. The smell will not be pleasant. Handle that.
Dips present a unique problem. Because they are primarily dairy, you think they leave your mouth after dabbing with a napkin, but actually once they dry they turn white again. So really, after eating that onion dip with
carrot sticks potato chips, you think the dip is gone, but it will find its way back to you. And it will be bright white on your beard. Enough of it, and you will look like a rabid dog. Oh and that onion smell? Yeah, no need to proceed.
We’re clearly ruining lives here, right? What’s better than GUAC? Nothing. Guacamole is one of life’s deepest treasures, especially since it pairs well with almost anything and still tastes good. But keep in mind that guacamole is another confusing breed of the dip ilk that once it lingers on your face, the color (green, if done correctly) will make your beard appear as if it’s molding even before the Halftime Show. Not a good look (Beyoncé certainly won’t want to see that). You worked too hard to grow that thing in under a year and now it’ll look like it’s expiring. You and your beard deserve better than that.
Much like buffalo wings, ribs are consumed with the entire face in a way that can only be compared to the era of The Flintstones. And yes, they’re delicious, but they’re messy. Very messy. And rib residue paints the face like a crime scene. Let’s not even get into what it does to your beard, so perhaps only use a quarter of your face when you’re eating them this year.
Batting 1000 here, right? Beer is actually the official beverage of the Super Bowl (made up fact), but it is widely consumed, especially if you’re hanging out at a sports bar watching the big game. You’re aware though that beer is fermented grains, yes? So when you consume large quantities of it in a disorderly fashion, those fermented grains travel right down your beard. Forget the smell (which is a combination of the residue found in sewers and an overheated locker room), but beer leaves your beard a sticky mess that gets worse as it dries.
It takes a good shampooing to get it out, and even then the faint memory of it is still there. Listen, we’re not here to say don’t drink beer. No one is telling you to sip it through a straw or something preposterous either, but maybe drink it like a gentleman and keep a comb handy in between sips. Might we suggest one?
Sub sandwiches, also known as “hoagies” are an unlikely source of beard drama. A sandwich seems easy enough, right? Wrong. During Super Bowl parties, you’ll notice that sandwich that runs the length of an entire table, taller than your favorite linebacker. And once that length is achieved, the width and height compete for most obscene as well. It becomes more than meat and cheese. There’s shredded lettuce, onions, tomatoes, and oil & vinegar that once it hits your beard it stays there. Vinegar in your girlfriend’s eye is unbecoming if she comes near your face, but so is her randomly finding lettuce particles later on in the evening. No one thinks your beard is a place for buried treasure. Nobody.
You’re celebrating an American past time by gorging on quasi-Mexican food. Awesome. Tacos are delicious. They’re also messy. And spicy. Besides the obvious of putting others in harm’s way by having jalapeño juice hanging out in your beard, there’s also the question of sour cream getting trapped (rabid dog again), lettuce (buried treasure), and the taco seasoning or chili, which as you know from the scent of your clothes after leaving a Mexican restaurant can linger on for hours. Everyone wants to fondly remember the best taco they ever ate, but not when they smell your beard. Gross.